Mega Genius^® Intelligence Briefing:

The Seven Basic Rules of Communication

Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth President of the United States, said, “You can fool some of the people all the time, and all the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.”  Well, if he had met Walter Matthau, the celebrated American comedy actor who played Oscar Madison in both the hit Broadway play and the motion picture The Odd Couple, President Lincoln probably would have reconsidered.  If the late Walter Matthau has not already done so, someday he will probably fool even you.

We know from the Encyclopedia Britannica that Walter Matthau, the son of Jewish-Russian immigrants, was born Walter John Matuschanskayasky, in 1920, in New York City.  Once he had begun to make a name for himself, slouching at 6 feet and 3 inches, reviewers described his appearance as shaggy, hangdog, and like an unmade bed.  One reviewer wrote, “The others just looked like actors in make-up.  Walter Matthau really looks like a skid row bum!”  For years thereafter, Walter laughed that his best review had been for playing a derelict.  Nevertheless, he evolved into a two-time Tony Award-winner and an acclaimed motion picture actor, starring in 66 movies with luminaries such as Andy Griffith, Elvis Presley, Art Carney, Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant, Carol Burnett, George Burns, Jack Lemon, and Sophia Loren.

Lying is the act of alleging that something that happened, did not, or that something that did not happen, did.  Walter continually enjoyed doing both, preferably simultaneously.  For a couple of decades, he was the least truthful, and one of the most enjoyable, of my friends.  If you were not fortunate enough to know Walter Matthau, allow me to introduce you to him.

Walter loved to lie to, and entertain, the largest audience possible.  For instance, in 1967, he was injured in an automobile accident.  Shortly thereafter, he won an Academy Award, ^® for “Best Actor in a Supporting Role” in the motion picture The Fortune Cookie.  As Walter accepted his Oscar ^® at the most prominent and most watched film awards ceremony in the world, it was obvious that he had been badly banged up in some sort of calamity, which he “divulged” to the audience was the result of having fallen from his bicycle.  Then he scolded several other major award winners, including Elizabeth Taylor, for not showing up.  After all, he had cared enough to drag his dreadful carcass there.

No one was immune.  He even lied to the United States Social Security Administration, which manages the country’s social insurance program.  (I’m sensing a felony here.)  In 1937, when Walter registered for a social security number, he convinced that agency of the United States government that his middle name – which was really John – was “Foghorn.”  (Do not try this yourself!)  The phony name, “Walter Foghorn Matthau,” remained on his social security card for the rest of his life.

Time after time, I heard Walter tell outlandish tales, for the most insignificant reasons, just for fun and to see who was gullible.  For example, he lied about his wife, actress Carol Marcus, claiming that her middle name was “Wellington-Smythe,” just because it sounded aristocratic.  Incidentally, he also told me, “I never mind my wife having the last word.  In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.”

No one knows all of Walter Matthau’s lies.  However, I know that he told an interviewer that his grandfather, who was really a poor peddler, from Kiev, was a Russian Orthodox priest, who was defrocked for claiming that the Pope was infallible.  I know, too, that Walter alleged to a journalist that his grandmother was a Chinese stowaway, which he claimed was how his family first made it to the United States.  He also “revealed” that his father was a jewel thief, and on another occasion that the man was a Russian Spy.  Once in a while, Walter let it slip that he was in the line of succession to the throne of England.

At 6:00:55 a.m., on Tuesday, 9 February 1971, one of the most devastating earthquakes in California history struck Los Angeles.  “The San Fernando earthquake” measured 6.6 on the Richter scale and included four aftershocks in the Magnitude 5 range.  It was California’s third worst earthquake in terms of lives lost and the State’s second worst in terms of property damage.  In addition, it was the inspiration for the 1974 motion picture, Earthquake.  The Earth gave an intense and commanding performance in the darkness that early morning; I was there.

Shortly thereafter, on The Tonight Show, Walter told Johnny Carson that in January of that year he had developed severe constipation.  None of the normal remedies had worked.  Walter was desperate.  Finally, in early February, his physician had prescribed a potent surefire laxative, but had warned him that he should take only two of the small pink pills, at bedtime, and then prepare for a thoroughly satisfactory result immediately upon arising the next morning.  Weary of his predicament, though, Walter had doubled the dosage before turning in for the evening.

About 45 minutes before sunrise, his alarm had awakened him at exactly 6:00 a.m., on Tuesday, 9 February.  Then he had immediately gone to the bathroom, where he had taken a seat, selected a magazine, and trusted in the wonders of modern medicine.

Literally within seconds, his stomach felt unsettled, and he noticed a muffled rumbling, which quickly amplified.  Snapping and cracking sounds reverberated within his legs and throughout the bathroom, a painting fell from the wall behind him, and toiletries pitched and ricocheted about the room.  Then he tossed the unopened magazine to the floor and grasped the toilet seat firmly, with both hands.  Suddenly, he shook from side to side and then began violently bouncing up and down on the commode, which he held on to with all his might, just to keep from being launched from it, as he hollered to his wife, “Holy crap!”  These pills are miraculous!”

Walter milked the story on the Carson show, Johnny laughed until he cried, and the audience howled for one of the longest sustained times in television history.

Repeatedly, Walter vowed to the millions of television viewers that he was not exaggerating and that the story was 100 percent true.  Moreover, he never publicly retracted a word of it.  However, the next time that Walter and I were alone, in Century City, California, behind closed doors, he admitted:  “I just made up the whole thing.  There wasn’t a word of truth to it,” he confessed, “but it was a great story.”

Now, the philosophical question that Walter has led us to confront is this:  Is it always bad to tell a lie?

The most intelligent answer is:  No, it depends on the effect produced.

For example, no meaningful harm is done by inducing a small child to set out cookies and milk for Santa Claus; or, by fibbing to a teenager, to surprise him with a birthday party; or, by a magician boldly lying to an adult in order to fool him with a magic trick.  Those are all examples of misleading a person for his own enjoyment and entertainment.  No harm is done.  Neither was it unethical for Walter Matthau to spin outlandish gags, just to amuse himself and those sharp enough to get his jokes.

Lies are not necessarily unethical, although, whenever one tells a lie, he must be careful not to cause an effect that the recipient would not want to receive.  Once you decide to tell a lie, a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself this:  Am I willing to admit the truth to a third party, selected at random?  If not, you should reconsider your intention.

Insincerity in communication is a matter of ethics, but does not necessarily violate the basic rules of communication.  Whether a letter that is sent from you to another person is truthful or not, the rules that govern the delivery of the envelope are the same.  Similarly, the basic rules of communication do not change.

They are extremely important rules to understand and apply at all times.  I did not concoct them; they are seven fundamental rules extrapolated from the axioms on which the physical universe is based.  If you want your life to be a complex affair, just disregard them.  Conversely, if you want to straighten out your life, learn the seven basic rules of communication well, and apply them consistently.

First, we need to define the subject, properly.  Communication is the act of sending something from one location to another and ensuring that what is received is precisely what was sent.

These are the seven basic rules of communication:

1.  Be able to communicate.

If you are not in a location from which you can give and receive communication, and if you are not in a form in which you can do so, then you will not be able to communicate effectively, and you will have problems.  For example, if you are isolated in a hospital’s intensive care unit, in a full-body cast, you will have difficulty communicating, and you will feel alone and frustrated.  That is why babies who have not yet learned to talk feel upset and cry, and it is even why people who are deficient in their education think that life is unfair.  Being able to communicate effectively is your responsibility.

2.  Be willing to communicate.

If you are not willing to give and receive communication, then it will not occur effectively.  The person who says, “I refuse to talk about it,” might as well add, “And, thereby, I know that I am not contributing to a resolution of the situation, and I am probably making it worse.”

3.  Communicate only if you are willing.

Do not allow yourself to be forced to give or receive communication that you do not desire.  If you do, you will not feel responsible for what ensues.

4.  Communicate in an original manner.

Do not make it appear as if you have already communicated the same thing so many times that you are playing a recording.  Just as people tend to disregard form letters, they also ignore verbal communication that sounds as if it is being delivered automatically.

5.  Get your questions answered.

I recently watched a presidential debate in which the candidates answered less than five percent of the moderator’s questions.  Instead, they pushed their agendas, sound bites and buzzwords.  However, unless you repeat your unanswered question until you get an answer, you are contributing to miscommunication and a lack of understanding.

6.  Acknowledge constructive (or positive) communication.

Whenever someone communicates something to you, and you do not let him know that you received and understood what he sent, he will probably assume that, if you received it, you may not have understood it.  Subsequently, since people who cannot understand are considered stupid, he is likely to consider that you are lacking in intelligence.  In addition, if you nod your head, or say, “Yes,” or otherwise acknowledge someone before he has finished communicating something to you, he will know that you could not possibly have understood his statement, since he has not yet finished stating it to you.  Furthermore, we already know what your inability to understand will lead him to conclude about you.

7.  Ignore destructive (or negative) communication.

Whenever someone snipes at you, or tries to insult you, or otherwise attacks you, either verbally or in writing, it is best to ignore it.  Do not acknowledge the existence of such a comment.  It is not a constructive communication, and any recognition of its existence is only likely to lead to an argument.

Those seven basic rules of communication work only if you use them, consistently.  I sincerely hope that you do.

Incidentally, according to Walter Matthau’s obituary in The New York Times, and his biography in the current edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica, the famous actor who was born Walter John Matuschanskayasky, in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, passed away 1 July 2000, in Santa Monica, California, at the age of 79 (although he still lives in my heart).  However, if you believed for a moment that his original surname really was “Matuschanskayasky,” then, with a chuckle and a wink from his grave, the Academy Award-winning actor Walter Matthau has fooled not only The New York Times and the Encyclopedia Britannica … but you, too.

Mega Genius ^®

11 May 2007

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